Run - Don't Walk...

... to your nearest plastic surgeon.

Does your car date back to the stone age? Or, at least back to the days before safety features such as airbags? No need to worry. Just get yourself a new set of boobs. Now, hear me out. I'm serious, here. They may not have done an actual scientific study on this, but there's real-life proof that breast implants can save lives (setting aside that whole I-got-lupus-from-my-leaking-implants stuff). Just take this woman in Bulgaria whose implants saved her life in a head-on collision, even if they did explode. Or the one in Florida who walked away from her accident, breasts intact and all (how 'bout that American engineering, huh?). And, then there's the one in Isreal that survived a Hezbollah attack with the breast implants serving as a barrier to schrapnel. I mean, not only are you safer on the roads, but you can hang out in some of the toughest neighborhoods and feel more confident that you'll make it home alive. I believe in our times of terrorism and drive-by shootings, that's worth the price of new lingerie, don't you?

This all makes me wonder if maybe those collagen implants are the way to go if you want to be a prize-fighter. Think they'll help stave off fat lips? Or maybe the cheek implants could be used by bronco riders at the rodeo (I once knew a girl whose bronco riding boyfriend had his cheek crushed). Just think of the alternative applications of cosmetic surgery. Yessiree Bob. I do believe we are witnessing the miracles of modern medicine. The doctors could literally make millions off of this stuff. Oh, wait, they already do.

Another question comes to mind here: would the milk-filled breasts of a nursing mother do the trick? Because, honestly, I'm definitely not in need of an increase in bra size, but since our car doesn't have a passenger side airbag, it'd be good to know. But you smaller-breasted ladies really may want to consider this. Because, though you may not think you've ever wanted to look like a circus freak (I'm thinking bigger is better when it comes to automobile safety), the life you save could be your own... Of course, maybe you could just put the thousands of dollars needed for a breast augmentation toward a nice new car with actual safety features. And, perhaps steer clear of the world's hot spots. No, that'd just be silly.