Wean Your Reluctant Child

So, you're tired of your 14-month-old clamping down on your nipple with his razor-sharp teeth? Had enough of his tantrums for just a little more boobie (yeah, like father, like son)? You've tried giving a bottle. He won't take a pacifier, or you refuse to give one. You attempted to reduce feedings gradually. You even made him go cold-turkey, but nothing has worked. At your wits end with nowhere else to turn? Here are a few suggestions that you may not find at your local La Leche League meetings:

1. Apply Tabasco sauce to entire nipple region (if blistering occurs, discontinue use and contact a burn specialist).

2. Administer small electric shocks to child each time he latches on (works to condition lab animals!).

If the above suggestions do not resolve the issue, do not despair. Immediately contact your nearest cosmetic surgeon for an optional mastectomy (advise him to concentrate on nipple-ectomy). This is guaranteed to solve your problem. If you cannot afford this type of elective surgery, do try the following suggestion, which is known to be an inexpensive but effective method of nipple removal:

1. Remove all clothing, including undergarments (this can get a bit messy)
2. Place towels on floor in front of accordion closet door.
3. Position nipple in crack while door is open.
4. Swiftly slam the door closed (you may want to enlist the help of a friend or family member).
5. Repeat step 4 until both nipples are "no longer an issue".

* Please have pillows strewn about the floor, as well as a phone nearby for dialing 911, as this procedure can cause fainting as well as other undesired results.

Disclaimer: If you have taken any of these suggestions seriously, you are in dire need of a sense of humor transplant. Seek professional help immediately.

Okay, you're most likely thinking I've given myself a lobotomy when a knitting needle went astray. Not at all. It's merely weaning distress taking over my brain.